The Alpha Male
The alpha male is most likely proud to be one. He should be. “Alpha” designates “the first” and we first started designating this to the leaders of animal packs, such as wolves. Approximately 40% of all males are alpha. They are usually the strongest and the bravest, the leader of the pack. They possess such attributes as dominance, confidence, and a take-charge attitude. They have a high level of self-directedness, as they doggedly goes about their goals. They are an aggressive, competitive high achiever, with a strong sense of mission. They can be bold, creative innovative thinkers. Often highly successful in the world, their traits of persistence, tenacity, determination and steadfastness help them to achieve their goals.
They built and trained not to let others take advantage of them, and if anyone should try, they are trained to hurt them in such a way that they will think twice before they ever try to do that again. They don’t blink first in a stare-down. They trained to compete, and win.
On top of it all, the alpha male is also often blessed with high levels of charisma, which he can use to charm others into agreeing with him. They are often good at persuasion, sometimes arguing with others until they either agree with him or shut up. When persuasion doesn’t work, they also know how to intimidate, subtly or directly.
They are born with these traits because at their best, nature created them to protect and provide for their family and community, just like the alpha in a wolf pack. They are the Wall Street executive, and the successful professional, such as a doctor or lawyer or university professor. They are the firefighter, soldier, policeman or successful tradesman. Genetically, their traits prepare them well for survival. However, these very traits don’t work at home in his intimate partnerships. The very things that make them successful in the world outside can often ruin a relationship. They can be short with their partner, not wanting to take the time to listen to their point of view, because he possesses a dogged certainty that they are right in most things. They can be intimidating, causing their partner and children to fear them. They don’t like disagreement, and he will often charm or intimidate those who disagree with them. They often compete, or issue commands, instead of working in teamwork with their spouse or mate. They can work to the point of exhaustion.
Often at midlife, the alpha male finds himself unhappy, with a nagging sense that something is missing in his life. He may be overworking, or toying with overuse of alcohol or even drugs. He feels a subtle or blatant emptiness when he slows down long enough from pursuing his goals. At that point, he may review a series of failed intimate relationships in his life. He looks at couples he knows. Some of them look happy, and the he wonders how they do it. Other couples look bored with each other but stay married for convenience. He isn’t sure he wants that. On the other hand, he considers the possibility that he might die lonely and alone, or perhaps surrounded by sycophants. He begins to consider that maybe, just maybe, the problem may have something to do with him, even though he hates to admit it. Still, he may not have a clue what the problem is. And he doesn’t like that. After all, he is an alpha; he is accustomed to identifying problems and solving them.
If you are in a relationship with the alpha male, you may be drawn to his strength, ambition, power and charm. He has many endearing qualities. You may feel like you understand him and love him deeply, yet there is a sense that he puts achievement first and love second. Or though you love your him, you may feel criticized or dominated by him, or like you can’t keep up with his exhausting schedule. You may feel like he doesn’t listen to you, or that he turns discussions of differences into an argument, and he always wants to win an argument. You may feel that he turns many issues into competition. Sometimes he may have a “my way or the highway” attitude with you. You love him, and yet you feel lonely for a greater sense of partnership, and for your love to take a bigger place in his life, at least on an equal par with his work life and professional success. If you are an alpha female, you may have some of the same characteristics and behaviors in your relationship as him. In which case, you may often fight or feel misunderstood.
Winning at Love offers a clear analysis of the problem and step-by-step approaches for addressing these problems. It will take practice, and he is capable of that. After all, he has practiced skills in becoming successful in his business, profession or trade. He has practiced skills to improve his golf game, or fly fishing, or skiing. No reason he can’t practice skills that will allow him to have a loving partnership. He’s up to it. After all, you he’s an alpha!
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