The Alpha Male
If you are an alpha male, you are most likely proud of it. You should be. “Alpha” designates “the first” and we first started designating this to the leaders of animal packs, such as wolves. Approximately 40% of all males are alpha. The alpha male is usually the strongest and the bravest, the leader of the pack. They possess such attributes as dominance, confidence, and a take-charge attitude. They have a high level of self-directedness, as they doggedly go about their goals. They are aggressive, competitive high achievers, with a strong sense of mission. They can be bold, creative innovative thinkers. Often highly successful in the world, their traits of persistence, tenacity, determination and steadfastness help them to achieve their goals.
The alpha male is built and trained not to let others take advantage of him, and if anyone should try, he is trained to hurt them in such a way that they will think twice before they ever try to do that again. He doesn’t blink first in a stare-down. He is trained to compete, and win.
On top of it all, he is also often blessed with high levels of charisma, which he can use to charm others into agreeing with him. He is often good at persuasion, sometimes arguing with others until they either agree with him or shut up. When persuasion doesn’t work, he also knows how to intimidate, subtly or directly.
Alpha males are born with these traits because at their best, nature created them to protect and provide for their families and communities, just like the alpha in a wolf pack. He is the Wall Street executive, and the successful professional, such as a doctor or lawyer or university professor. He is the firefighter, soldier, policeman and successful tradesman. Genetically, these traits prepare him well for survival, for himself and for those he loves. However, these very traits don’t work at home in his intimate partnerships. The very things that make him successful in the world outside can often ruin a relationship. He can be short with his partner, not wanting to take the time to listen to their point of view, because he often knows he is right. He can be intimidating, causing his partner and his children to fear him. He doesn’t like disagreement, and he will often charm or intimidate those who disagree with him. He often competes, or issues commands, instead of working in teamwork with his spouse or mate. He can work himself and his family to the point of exhaustion. When he gets impatient; he can be critical.
Often at midlife, he finds himself unhappy, with a nagging sense that something is missing in his life. He may be overworking, or toying with overuse of alcohol or even drugs. He feels a subtle or blatant emptiness when he slows down long enough from pursuing his goals. At that point, the alpha male may review a series of failed intimate relationships in his life. The alpha male looks at couples he knows. Some of them look happy, and the alpha male wonders how they do it. Other couples look bored with each other but stay married for the convenience. The alpha male isn’t sure he wants that. On the other hand, the alpha male considers the possibility that he might die lonely and alone, or perhaps surrounded by sycophants. The alpha male begins to consider that maybe, just maybe, the problem may have something to do with him, even though he hates to admit it. Still, the alpha male may not have a clue what the problem is. And the alpha male doesn’t like that. After all, he is an alpha; the alpha male is accustomed to identifying problems and solving them. The alpha male is good at that.
If you are in a relationship with an alpha male, you may be drawn to his strength, ambition, power and charm. The alpha male has many endearing qualities. You may feel like you understand him and love him deeply, yet there is a sense that your alpha male puts achievement first and love second. Or though you love your alpha male, you may feel criticized or dominated by him, or like you can’t keep up with his exhausting schedule. You may feel like your alpha male doesn’t listen to you, or that he turns discussions of differences into an argument, and he always wants to win an argument. You may feel that he turns many issues into competition. Sometimes he may have a “my way or the highway” attitude with you. You love him, and yet you feel lonely for a greater sense of partnership, and for your love to take a bigger place in his life, at least on an equal par with his work life and professional success. If you are an alpha female, you may have some of the same characteristics and behaviors in your relationship as the alpha male. In which case, you end of fighting a lot, or feeling misunderstood.
Winning at Love offers a clear analysis of the problem and step-by-step approaches for addressing the problems the alpha male encounters. If you are an alpha male, you will have to practice, and you are capable of that. After all, as an alpha male, you have practiced skills in becoming successful in your business, profession or trade. You have practiced skills to improve your golf game, or fly fishing, or skiing. No reason you can’t practice skills that will allow you to have a loving partnership. You’re up to it. After all, you are an alpha.
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